It is Folly
by Impersonating-an-entity
Summary: Jin loves Touya. But it is Folly to love ice. Touya would love to be able to love. To be warm, he would give anything. But it does not change the path he can only take.
1. It is Folly

Disclaimer of DOOM!: Yu Yu Hakusho and all related characters are not mine. That means I have to go ask Touya and Jin's pimp, Yoshihiro Togashi, if I want to whore them off, and some of the money I get will go to him. But since I'm not getting money I don't have to pay him, and they don't have to be 'whored off'... i don't know if that made any sense. Don't worry- the story is not about whores and pimps. warnings: shonen-ai, yaoi in the epilouge: In Vain, swearing.

Jin looked across the distance to his friend Touya. Once again his heart broke, as he watched the young ice demon training with his ice sword. He had been wanting for some time to tell Touya that he thought, no, knew, his feelings ran deeper than friendship, but he never could. Touya had pulled off his shirt, though, of course, it wasn't from getting hot, nor did it much restrict his motion, but Touya could get rather paranoid, and preferred to train with nothing to bind him. Something Jin couldn't help but appreciate.  
  
Jin contained a longing sigh, watching each fluid motion; the way Touya's muscles bunched, tensed, loosened, bunched once again; working in perfect harmony. The soft, white skin was like a china doll's; the thin scar on his chest reminiscent of a hairline crack in the otherwise smooth, polished surface. His face was slack; it almost always was, but Jin always fancied he could trace the faint signs of some emotion in the thin, slanted eyes.  
  
Touya stopped, stepping over to Jin. "Something wrong? You seem... dazed."  
  
Jin shook his head to drain himself of his... perhaps, overeager, delusions. "I'm fine, Touya. Jus' caught in thought, I s'pose."  
  
Touya let a small smile grace his features. "That's rare. Normally, you're far too busy to be caught in thought. May I ask what you were thinking of?"  
  
"You." Jin didn't even realize he said it till it was past his lips, and for one of the very few times in his life, he blushed, embarrassed.  
  
Touya seemed surprised, he had not at all expected such an answer. "Why would you think of me? I am nothing; have nothing."  
  
Jin sighed, once again, he had dug himself into a hole. It happened far too often. The others weren't there though; it was just he and Touya. He had been wanting an opportunity, well, here it was, right? "I... I love ye', Touya. Ye' aren' nothin', not at all. I love ye', so much." Jin put his arms around Touya, letting his hands rest at the small of Touya's back. He looked down at his friend, continuing, "Yer so beautiful, Touya, and strong and fine. Please..." Jin whispered softly, pressing his mouth to Touya's tenderly.  
  
Touya hadn't moved through this pronouncement, hadn't returned the embrace, hadn't returned the kiss, merely allowed it all to happen. He let his eyes close when Jin kissed him. Jin pulled away and watched as Touya let his eyes open; but they seemed blank, as blank as ice. As blank as always. And Touya pulled out of the embrace.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jin. Truly, I am. But I don't love you. I am an ice demon. All I can have for you is respect, camaraderie, even friendship. But like ice, I am too cold to love. To love you, or to be loved, by anyone. I am sorry, Jin. I regret having no such emotions, but I that can't change what is so. I am so sorry." Touya shook his head slowly, and turned to walk away.  
  
Jin felt tears sting his eyes, and his ears began to droop. "Touya! No, please, don' go yet! We can melt the ice, ye' can learn ta' love!"  
  
Touya turned and looked Jin in the eye. "No. I am sorry, but we can't melt it. Ice is my only strength. If it is gone, I truly have nothing. I can give you loyalty, respect, trust. I can give you my faithfulness and my body. But I cannot give you love." He shook his head once again. "I cannot love. I am sorry, Jin. It is folly to love an ice demon. I guess that's how you go through life, from folly to folly. But you always find a way to make it work. But it won't work this time. Jin, I think you're beautiful. You're so full of life and vivacity. You're so happy and lucky. I'm... cold, and ugly. All I have, all I could ever give, is sorrow, and ice. Don't love me, Jin. Please don't. It is folly to love ice. Only ice loves ice. But that's not love. I am so sorry. I have no love. Only respect. Friendship. No more can I offer you, in terms of emotional intimacy."  
  
Touya began to walk away again. His heart, made of ice, was shattering inside of him. Jin loved him. And he could offer nothing. How much would he love to love Jin, to be with Jin, to care for the wind master?! But though he did, indeed, wish to love Jin, wish for his happiness, though he would be loyal till the end of time, though he knew Jin would also be faithful, he knew... he knew that it could never be. A single tear slowly fell down his cheek, and froze half way down  
  
Tears ran down Jin's cheeks, freely falling. "No... NO TOUYA! I WON' LET YE' WALK AWAY FROM ME!" He shouted, running to the ice master, his heart's one desire, who had turned him down. He grabbed Touya's shoulders and spun him around, pulling Touya against himself. He kissed Touya again, this time full of passion, thrusting his tongue between Touya's lips, so parted with shock. He could feel Touya begin to lean against him, could feel Touya slowly, cautiously returning the kiss, and he tasted so damn good.  
  
Jin finally broke the kiss, unable to breath any longer. "See there..." he panted, "See there? Ye' got a tear frozen on yer cheek, ye' was cryin' too! I could feel you return the kiss, c'mon, Touya, I know ye' must feel somethin' fer me?"  
  
Touya looked at Jin carefully. "Jin... All I can ever give you is kisses and touches and my loyalty. I want you to be happy. I want it, very badly. Even desperately. Which is why I can never love you. I'm an ice demon, Jin. It could, would, and will never be. I'm an ice demon. I'm a goddamned ice demon. Not only that, I'm a goddamned ice master. I'm a master at being cold, being as ice. To be warm, to love... is foreign to me... utterly foreign, and utterly against all that I am. I am sorry, Jin. I've said it so many times, and it's truer each time I say it; I am sorry. But there's nothing to be done for it. If you wish, we may make love. If it will make you happy, to take me, you may. I have no concern for what happens to me. But I can't love you. I can't ever love you. I'm so sorry. Gomen, Jin." Touya bent his head, trying to hide his tears. "I want to... I want to love you. My heart is breaking for you, because I don't love you. I would give anything to be in love with you. But I feel nothing. Nothing but friendship. I wish that would change, so I could make you happy. But it won't. I hate this ice! But I don't really hate either. I can't love; I can't hate. I'm just cold, unfeeling, blindingly numbing ice. Forgive me." Touya was crying, so softly, so quietly, crying. Like ice that's melting; no sound or big show. Just slow, falling tears. Because even when he returned the kiss, the embrace, he felt nothing.  
  
Jin pulled Touya to his chest, sobbing into Touya's soft hair. Once he'd slowed enough to speak, he took his face from Touya's hair and asked, "Isn' there anythin'... anythin' at'all... tha' would make ye' love me?"  
  
Touya felt the tears still running down his face, as he looked up at Jin once again. "No... there's nothing... I would give anything to change that... but there's nothing... That kiss, that embrace? I wanted it to feel special, I don't know how, just different. But I felt nothing, nothing extraordinary, nothing special... Ice doesn't feel. It only makes you numb. I don't want you to become numb, Jin. I don't want you to ever become numb. So please, don't love me. It is folly to love an ice demon. I would give anything to change that... But it is folly to love an ice demon..." Touya pushed away from Jin, turning, walking away, then running away, and Jin watched, helplessly.  
  
"I love you, Touya." Jin mumbled, crying silently. "Don't forget. No matter what. Goodbye."


	2. Epilouge: In Vain

Touya ran, almost frantically, through the woods. He could barely see straight; his bangs obscured his vision and his constant stumbling made everything in his vision shake wearily. A large root seemed to suddenly appear around his foot and he tripped and fell to the ground, barely catching himself on outspread hands. Tears dripped heavily from his eyes and sobs broke him, as he cried... because he still felt nothing. "Jin... I'm so sorry. Forgive me, Jin, I want to love you... I want to be warm, damnit! I want to know! I want to know what it means to love! Forgive me... Forgive me!" Touya begged brokenly, speaking to nothing in particular, since he'd left Jin far behind.  
  
Touya sighed, sitting up. "I'm so cold. I'm so cold. I'm so cold. So goddamned cold! Why can't I ever taste warmth?! Why can't I be warm?! Why did I have to be born into this blinding, numbing, consuming, freezing ice? What great sins did I commit in a past life to be so cold now? I want to love you, so much... I want to, Jin... I just... CAN'T!" Touya mumbled to himself, shouting the last word.  
  
Then Touya heard soft footfalls, and a gentle, soothing wind. "Touya... I won' say good bye this way..." he heard Jin say, and saw a shock of red hair and luminous blue eyes kneeling before him.  
  
"Jin... I'm sorry. I can't love you! I'd give anything... I told you that..." Touya whispered, looking up at Jin softly. "You can't love me. I'll make you numb from cold. I don't want you to be numb. I'd never forgive myself if I took the fire from you. Jin..." Touya trailed off, as Jin enveloped him in his arms. Nothing. He was so cold, so numb; he barely even felt Jin's skin against his.  
  
Jin pressed his mouth to Touya's, yet another one-sided kiss. His tongue begged entry, and it was granted, but Touya still barely reacted. Touya didn't feel a thing, and he wondered why people thought kissing was so special, and was desperate to know. Jin broke away. "How much of me talking did you hear before?" Touya asked quietly.  
  
"Enough. Touya, let me help ye' be warm!" Jin said, kissing Touya again. And this time, Touya reacted eagerly, trying to cultivate some emotion in himself. Jin gently rubbed Touya's shoulders, letting his hands run down Touya's wondrously bare chest and stomach. When his hands began to tug softly at Touya's pants, the kiss was broken, and Touya nodded. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Jin's touch would make him warm; make him love. It was worth a try.  
  
Before long, they were both naked, and Jin lay on top of Touya, caressing his ice love. He still felt so cold. "Can you really make me warm, Jin? Is it possible for me to ever be warm?" Touya wondered aloud.  
  
"Let's find out," Jin replied, playing with Touya's skin. Jin then proceeded to show Touya the delights of being a man. True to his nature, he teased and played around and toyed until Touya was begging him to finish it. Even then, he still taunted Touya softly.  
  
Afterwards, Touya was exhausted and fell asleep, as Jin took him in his arms. When he woke slowly, Jin asked him, "How do you feel now?"  
  
Touya looked at Jin and felt a tear slip his eye. "So goddamned cold. So numb."  
  
Jin looked at Touya carefully and after a moment he began sobbing. "Damn ye, Touya! Ye and yer fuckin' ice!" Jin shoved him away and Touya let him, knowing, if not understanding, that Jin would be upset. Jin stood up and walked over and kicked Touya in his side, hard.  
  
Touya groaned and backed away, but he wouldn't fight back. Anything he could do to help Jin, he would, gladly; he didn't care what happened to him if he could ease Jin's grief.  
  
Jin followed him and tugged him up roughly by his hair. "Ye cold, heartless bastard!" he yelled, still crying uncontrollably. He shoved Touya against a tree and began punching him, kicking, anything to hurt Touya back; make his love feel as crushed as he did.  
  
Silent tears ran down Touya's face as he let Jin continue to beat him till he grew tired. And, eventually, Jin stopped, leaning against Touya and sobbing onto Touya's shoulder. Touya held him awkwardly, trying to comfort his heartbroken friend.  
  
Jin's tears slowed and he looked up at Touya, and saw the blood and bruising. "Oh gods, Touya, why'd ye go an' let me do this to ye?" he begged, checking over the damage. Touya's eyes were blackened and still tearing slowly, silently. Blood ran from his nose and his lips, which were split and swollen. A bruise colored his left cheek and much of his chest. His arms were also bruised from guarding against attacks, and his right appeared to be broken. Even his stomach and legs were battered from repeated kicks. "Ye look awful! Why'd ye let me hurt ye so much?"  
  
"I had hoped... Hoped it would make you feel better, to take your anger and desperation out on me. I've been beaten before Jin. It's ok, I'm used to it. It doesn't hurt so bad." Touya winced and put a hand to his cheek.  
  
"Liar. Yer a liar and a hypocrite and a heartless bastard, Touya." Jin said, gathering up their clothes. He pulled on his pants and began shredding his shirt and making bandages. He bound Touya's broken arm and bandaged what he could before handing Touya his clothes to put back on.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry." Touya said quietly as Jin bound his arm. Jin glanced up at Touya sadly. He looked into Touya's eyes and saw a hollow, empty despair. Touya's face was slack, unemotional. Jin shook his head sadly and hugged Touya to his chest.  
  
"Don't ye EVER let me do this ta ye again. I swear, if ye do, I'll kill ye."  
  
"That might make things easier for both of us."  
  
Jin slapped Touya and glared at him angrily. "Don't ye say stuff like that! I don' wanna' hear ye s'posin' on suicide! Got it?"  
  
Touya looked at Jin carefully. "Yes, Jin."  
  
Jin sighed. "C'mon, we gotta get ye back. We needa make ye sumat' to put on the bruises and stuff from Gama's herb stores." Jin scooped up Touya and carefully carried him back to where they, Ruka, Reisho, and Bakken were staying until they got an assignment.  
  
They went in silence, and Jin set Touya down on a seat by the fire they had left to the others to tend. Jin gave Touya a clean blanket and gathered the necessary ingredients and began grinding and mixing them. Not a word passed.  
  
Touya pulled the blanket tight around himself, in vain. He knew it would be in vain. He had known letting Jin make love to him would also be in vain, though he tried not to believe it. He knew letting Jin beat him would be in vain. He knew staying here with Jin and the others would be in vain.  
  
Jin finished mixing the desired poultices and such, and gently tugged the blanket away from Touya, who released it with slight hesitation. Jin unbound the bandages, treated the wounds, and rebound them, as Touya avoided his eyes. Jin wrapped the blanket around Touya, who accepted it gratefully, though he knew it was pointless.  
  
Jin sighed, the first sound either had uttered since Jin had said they should get back. He cupped Touya's chin and turned it to look him in the eye. "I'm sorry, Touya. I regret tha' ye can't love me back. But know, please, just know, ye always have my love. Don't forget tha'. If something happened ta ye, I couldn't survive."  
  
Touya nodded slowly. "Jin... I know... I'm sorry... especially sorry for what I'm about to do," Touya said quietly. Jin looked confused, and a moment later he'd been knocked unconscious.  
  
Touya scrambled about taking the few things he wanted of the few things he had. A dagger Jin had given him when he had once complained about having to make a blade of ice for anything, even so mundane as cutting herbs. A few herbs-knockout drugs in case he should meet someone he would rather not be in the company of, a few to burst his strength and stamina, a few merely for seasoning food. His cloak. Little more. He took up a brush, ink, and paper and wrote a hurried note to Jin. He left the note in Jin's hand and left, moving quickly.  
  
When Jin woke and saw the note, he grew sad and angry and confused in so many other emotions.  
  
"Jin-  
  
It will cause you pain to see me here everyday, knowing I can't love you. I know it will. So I'm leaving. Please don't come after me; I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have.  
  
Sayonara,

Touya"  
  
"Damn ye! Ye heartless bastard!" Jin cried, reading the note over and over. His tears fell and the ink ran till the note was almost unreadable. It grew crumpled from how he held it so tight in his grasp. "If ye don wanna hurt me, why are ye leavin'?" he begged the silence.


End file.
